Monday, December 9, 2013

Step Back

Busy week ahead.  Cole has his infusion at the hospital and the girls have off for parent conferences.  At any other time, I'd be thrilled to have a few extra days for crafts and cookie baking.  Right now, I'm wishing it weren't Christmastime.  Given that this time of the year is my absolute favorite, that's saying a lot.  I just can't do most of what we do, and that has taken so much out of the holiday season for me.

The end of last week has taken a toll.  Late Thursday, the pain and usual symptoms started again.  Luckily, Cole was more than willing to snuggle, watch Polar Express, and read books on Friday.  I don't think I could have kept up with him otherwise!

Before now, I never thought much to severe, chronic pain.  Not only do I give people who have struggled with pain for years lots of credit for muddling through, as all I want to do is lay curled up in a ball, but I think about Cole, and all he must have been feeling for so long.  I am not a pill popper, I'd rather sleep off a headache than take a Tylenol. And with this, Tylenol doesn't do much of anything, the constant dull ache and intermittent stabbing before feeling like your insides are being ripped out is the worst sensation I have experienced in my life!  It is hard not to think about the pain I'm feeling now, and just how Cole must have been feeling when he was younger.

While I can't change any of that, and now he can tell me when he is hurting, it still breaks my heart that as his mom, I maybe didn't know or do enough for him at some point.  I will never really know for sure.  Yet I do know, he is doing so very well, which brings me great joy this holiday season!  The only gift I want this year is a happy, healthy family.  After this year's journey with Cole, I am over the moon with where we are!  Now to keep him there.  And to hope in the morning, he'll be ok with another snuggle day, since that is medicine that will get me through tomorrow.

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