Speechless

Not so long ago, sharing my love of reading and writing was not just my job, but an avocation, the venue was my classroom.  My biggest concerns were how did I hook the kids who claimed they hated English class in the past, never experienced the joy of losing themselves in a book, or marveled over the power of their own words on paper.  It was my duty to find a niche for these kids, to show them just how their means of comprehension, communication, and analysis would have an impact on just about anything they chose to pursue in their futures.

Sometimes, this was a struggle, convincing a willful middle school student who believed they could not write that they really could, it just took time, patience, and practice.  In the end, the majority of these kids made progress with encouragement and the feeling that it was safe to make mistakes and try again.  After all, isn't that how we all learn?  

Even with encouragement, kids are still filled with their own worries.  While some worried about the recent argument with a friend, others, about making a team, some issues at home, others, bullying.  I cannot recall a student telling me they were afraid to come to class because someone may attack the school.   Not to say that there wasn't one with this concern, I just don't recall ever hearing it.

Now, I'm sure there are students who are thinking this, just as a parent I worry about the safety of my own children.  Don't get me wrong, I worried before, but more about how to help them if they were struggling either academically or socially and of course about what unknown pathogens might be hitching a ride to Cole via the girls.

Never in a million years would I think that in the nurturing cocoon of a school, where teachers feed curiosity, mentor skills, and develop dreams that anything so unspeakable would occur.  Yes, I know as a society we saw this happen in Columbine, but that was a high school, surely innocent children in elementary schools would never be scathed by such horror.  Sadly, this is no longer the case.

It seems something terrible is plaguing our society, poisoning our youth in their own playgrounds.  I want my children to experience the wonder of learning in their school, not anxiety.

While I may have one more worry as I send my kids off each morning, I trust the teachers and staff at their school to not only foster their minds and encourage them to aim higher, but to keep my babies feeling secure.  That's the kind of teacher I hope I have been for those passing through my doors, I only wish the same for my own kids.

For now, my heart breaks for the Sandy Hook families.  I pray for you, and hope for strength as the holiday season approaches.  There are no words for this unspeakable tragedy.  It makes me look at our own struggles, and as difficult as they may be, and know no matter what, I can still hug my children, tuck them in each night, and look forward to watching their futures unfold.  We are so blessed.

My heartfelt condolences to all of you in Newtown.          

Walking Outside

Every day is a new adventure it seems.  Once we got the phone calls from both genetics and immunology informing us about Cole's results we were also instructed on the next series of steps we needed to take, immediately.

Now that Cole tested negative for NEMOS, there was still the mystery as to what was the root cause of his NK cell dysfunction.  Our immunologist explained not only the case studies she had been comparing him to, but her contact with a leading physician and researcher at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  They stated we would need to take Cole for additional function tests as soon as possible.  Besides the repeat NK cell test they would also be looking at his perforin/granzyme B functions as well as his IL-2 receptors.  Just like the last time, the blood would be drawn here, then shipped to Cincinnati for evaluation.


In addition to the function tests, now that the genetic results were in, the gastrointestinal doctors wanted Cole's colonoscopy scheduled as quickly as possible.  With a few calls, OR time was found and the procedure was scheduled for next week.


As I drove to our blood work appointment, I dreaded the draw.  Not the screaming I knew was coming, but his face. The absolute look of betrayal when I have to hold him down, then the sheer terror in his eyes as he is pierced while tube after tube is filled with his blood just shatters my heart in a million pieces every single time!  Luckily, today's phlebotomist was the best we've had up to this point.  Unlike others, the first time was a charm and she was easily able to fill the seven tubes she needed without utilizing the syringes to suck additional blood from Cole's veins.  Within a few minutes my baby was back in my arms, twirling my ponytail in his hand, his head lying on my shoulder.


It is truly incredible just how forgiving a little one can be.  Here I struggled from the moment I knew he needed more blood work and in an instant it was like he had forgotten that I assisted the woman who had caused him such pain.  Immediately I thought about the quote that "having children is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body." 


Initially I realized what this meant not long after our first daughter, Paige, was born.  She was colicky and I just had no idea what to do to soothe her.  After a few days when nothing was working I felt like I was doing something wrong.  Unless we were hiking it seemed like she cried 24/7.  My heart ached terribly when I saw my friends with happy babies while mine was so sad.  Fortunately, as she grew, she also grew out of her colic.  About that time, I needed to return to work and leave her which caused me a worry like I had never experienced.  After a few weeks, I knew she would be ok, after all, she was home with her dad.  Still, the idea that as her mom, I could not always be there each and every second she might need me broke my heart.  I wanted to be able to keep her safe from anything that could cause her pain, like when she was safely growing in my belly.  In the end I knew I could not shelter her from the world, that in order for her to grow and learn she would have successes and failures, and in both, joy and pain.  So while I would worry and share in her disappointments, I would also be proud of her achievements as she grew into an independent child, one learning to make choices and live with the consequences, with and without my help as the situations would allow.  


While more of my heart left my chest with babies two and three, I realized this feeling would not subside and was a natural one for any parent.  There is nothing like the love a parent has for a child not to mention the lengths we parents will go to keep our children safe and free from pain.  


While I still ache when I can't stop Cole's agony or afflictions, I know he is surrounded by love and in good hands, which is the most I can ask for, not just for him, but for all my kids.  No matter what they may endure in their lives, whether I am with them physically or not, a piece of my heart will always be with each of them wherever they may roam.  For this week, it means mine will be walking around a few classrooms and in a hospital operating room while I sit nervously in the waiting room, anxiously hoping for answers.